Many thanks to our freelancer E-Jay for writing this post and sharing her story with us.
Some people think being in any relationship is better than being single. Past generations and some cultures will have you believe that once you are married that is it, that is your life and you need to deal with it, like it or not. I am here to tell you that this does not have to be the case, no longer does the old saying of “you’ve made your bed, now lay in it” apply.
Do you often feel as though you can’t be yourself?
Do you feel as though you’re always walking on eggshells?
Are you often trying to anticipate the mood of your significant other and find that you adjust your life to suit their moods?
Do you find you have fewer friends and that you don’t get to socialise with them much anymore?
You need to sit down and really analyse your relationship.
Questions you could ask yourself are:
Do I love them or am I in love with them?
This is an important question and one that can easily confuse people. There is a big difference between loving a person and being in love with a person. For example, you love your family, friends and pets, but being in love is different. Being in love with someone is loving them for who they are and how they make you feel. It is a different feeling than the love you feel for your family etc.
Are we growing as a couple?
Healthy couples grow together and enhance each other in many ways. Sometimes people grow apart, you may find that you no longer have similar interests or that you have become to be more friends than lovers. In a healthy relationship, you should both be enhancing each other and helping each other to blossom. Neither of you should have become stagnant.
Am I free to be me?
Do you like singing in the shower? Dancing around the house baked, or in your robe? Being a sloth lying in bed all day on the weekend binge watching your favourite new series on Netflix eating junk after a hard week? So long as you don’t sound like a strangled cat (you could gift some ear plugs), injure yourself (a bubble wrap jumpsuit may help) or drop too many crumbs in the bed (buy a little handheld vac) you should feel free to be you. You are awesome! Unless you are hurting yourself or others, you shouldn’t feel you need to hide who you are.
Am I Happy?
Relationships aren’t all smooth sailing, they have their ups and downs, but do the downs far outweigh the ups?
Sometimes something as basic as a “Pros and cons” list can help, a list can help you look at your relationship from an outside perspective.
Try to think of one of your closest friends in your position, would you be happy for them to be in that relationship? Or would you be worried about them, possibly advising them to leave?
The next step
Now that you’ve had a had a good hard look at your relationship you need to decide what happens next.
Ending a relationship
This is never easy.
If you feel you can talk to your partner, let them know, make sure you have somewhere to go if things don’t go well. Let them know that you are unhappy and why. Whatever you do, don’t let it turn into a slinging match of insults (sometimes this is easier said than done). If things start to get nasty, whether verbally or physically, remove yourself from the situation. Maybe have someone who knows what is going on available in case you need help. At times like this it is very hard to have an adult discussion. You may need to leave them alone for a day or more for things to settle.
If you feel physically threatened by your partner, sometimes you need to leave without letting them know. I know this sounds cruel and horrible, but unless you’ve been in a situation like this, you just can’t understand. I have had to do this and it really sucks, I was lucky in that my ex worked away, so I had more time than most to make a plan and act on it. I did not empty the house, nor did I wreck his things. I took my things that I bought into the relationship & the small couch we had in the family room. I don’t believe in punishing a person no matter what they have done. My mum and stepdad were godsends to me at the time as was my friend who helped me with accommodation.
Yes, it is scary to end a relationship, but if it needs to be done, you will feel amazing once you are free! Whatever you do, be safe in doing so!
Disclaimer: I am not saying in any way that I was innocent in any of my previous relationships. I am aware of my wrongdoings and have owned them! I feel this is extremely important for personal growth and enables you to move forward as a better future partner.
Feel free to ask me any questions or share your story or view in the comments below.